do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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