I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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