I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
