Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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