I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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