Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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