I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just found puke in my bra..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Houston, we have a squirter
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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