Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
