good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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