im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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