So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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