Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
