Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
