Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
