3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
