I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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