When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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