You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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