Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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