last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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