This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
