When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
