What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
