Apparently you make a good broom.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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