I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
