I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
