You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
