Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
