My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
