I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
