Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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