Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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