he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
