I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize