I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
