12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
