i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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