i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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