Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
