Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
