i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
