I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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