So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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