Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
