You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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