I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
