Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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