If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
