I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
