saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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