I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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