Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
