I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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