If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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