the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
