do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
