how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
