OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
