help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
